Long time, no blog

I realized today that I haven't blogged in a couple of months. That is not because nothing has been going on. Believe you me! The best thing that has happened is my trip to NYC. I will talk more about that later, and include pictures, but I just wanted to say that things are just "okay" right now. I will update more later.

A Long Couple of Weeks

Last week I flew out to the midwest to visit my family. It was my vacation, but in reality I came back more exhausted than when I left! I went to Marion, IN first to visit my mom. The day after I got there, my sister showed up and dropped both of her kids off and left. I had to watch my 2 year old nephew and 3 month old niece all day! No car, nowhere to go... I love them, and I will always be willing to watch them, but I did want to visit some people while I was there. Sorry to all of you I couldn't see!!

Friday my mom, nephew, and I drove down to Kentucky/Southern Indiana for my brother Jordan's wedding. Friday night was the rehearsal dinner and Saturday was the wedding. Again, I was watching my nephew! He is a handfull!! You can tell he is Jodi's son.

On Sunday Jared, my dad, and I went to my dad's church. It has a grand total of 16 people!! Sunday afternoon and evening we just hung out since my dad wasn't feeling well. Monday morning, we were up bright and early because my dad had his surgery! Everything went well. The doctor thinks she got all the cancer!! YAY!!!!! He is still in the hospital and will be until next week at least since he had some minor complications, but then he will move in with my brother and sister-in-law until he is well.

I got back to San Diego on Tuesday night, went to work at 8 am on Wednesday morning, and had my first class that night!! We have a test every week!! What have I gotten myself into?!?!?!

That is just a little update on my life the past week and a half!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to School I go?!?!

I just registered today for my first college class in San Diego. I know, I know...It took me 7 years to get out of college, so why would I want to go back? I have finally decided what I want to work towards!! It is exciting and scary at the same time. I am going to work towards a nursing degree right now. I am completely starting from scratch because I really want to take it seriously this time. No distractions. After I get my nursing degree, which I expect will take me about 3 years to get!, I plan on getting a Master's degree in Occupational Therapy. I want to work in the Social Work field. I miss working with my clients from Indiana, and I miss the satisfaction and extreme joy it brought. So that is what I am up to now.

Classes start August 25!

Since High School - warning - This is long!!

I was thinking today about how much has changed in my and my family since high school. I don't even think half of the people I went to school with know. In order to fill everyone in on the happenings with my family, I am dedicating this post to the last ten years!!

A couple of days after I graduated high school I moved from Middletown, Ohio to Marion, Indiana. My parents had moved there half way through my senior year, so I just moved in with them. I worked at K-Mart and went to community college for the first year. Nothing too exciting happened. In 2000 I started going to IWU. I enrolled in the Elementary Education program and Middle School math program. Everything was on track for me to graduate in 2003 with my bachelor's degree.

In 2002 I started to have doubts about what I really wanted to do, and was supposed to do, for the rest of my life. I began thinking and trying to figure things out. I wasn't taking the education program seriously anymore, and I just didn't care about school. I wanted to graduate, but I didn't want to be stuck with an education degree. In the spring of 2003, right before I was supposed to start student teaching I changed my major. I changed it to Business Administration & Finance. Of course nothing transferred, so I was looking at another 2 years of college! I was not happy about that, but at least I would have a degree that would get me on the right track to what I thought I wanted to do.

Then life happened. In the fall of 2003, when I was just starting my new classes, my mom decided she didn't love my dad anymore and wanted a divorce. In October my dad moved out. I was devistated! My whole world came crashing down. I tried to go on like normal, so I went on a short-term missions trip to Brazil in December 2003. When I got back though, I just couldn't handle the fact that my whole life felt like a lie. I didn't care much about school, I was drinking a lot, basically not caring about anything. My brother moved to Cincinatti to get away from the family drama. It was a good move for him. Things were hard for him to cope. By the fall of 2004 things got really out of control. My sister had become so depressed, she tried to kill herself. She was in critical care for a week, on a ventilator, and that was the last straw for me. I dropped out of school that semester. My sister wound up in rehab.

I went back to school in the spring of 2005 hoping to finish ASAP! In February we found out my sister was pregnant. Another big blow to my family. I moved out of the house so I didn't have to deal with my family anymore. My nephew was born in November 2005. My sister however, didn't clean up her act. My mom got guardianship of him, and I moved back home to take care of my nephew and help my mom. Trying to work, going to school full time, and taking care of a newborn is tough! My oldest brother moved to California that December, so I was alone with my family! In the spring of 2006 I decided my best option was to change to a General Studies major and graduate that semester. It meant I only needed one more class, so that is what I did. Two weeks before my graduation my sister got arrested. That meant that the only two people who came to my graduation were my mom and my dad, who don't even speak to each other! My grandparents couldn't come because they had to watch my nephew so my mom could come.

After graduation I had to get away. I was not going to church, drinking a lot, giving up on any big hopes or dreams I had. I decided to move to San Diego with my brother. I told him I would give it 6 months, then decide if I was going to stay. I moved out, with the help of two friends and a trailor, and arrived in San Diego 2 days later. I went to church with my brother because that was the only way I was going to meet people. That is how he knew all of his friends, and I didn't have a job. I have now lived in SD for 2 years, attend 4 church services a weekend, and even work at the church. I have goals and aspirations again. I am able to appreciate my family from afar. I love them, even with their faults, and I am learning to like them. My whole outlook on things has changed, and I am continually striving to be a better person!

I think that covers most of my life for the past 10 years. There is more to tell if you really want to hear it, but this blog is long enough for now. I hope that gives a lot of my old friends some insight into who I am now.

Anyway

You can spend your whole life building,
Something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away,
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway,
I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy
And it’s hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart,
For all the right reasons,
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway,
I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway,
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love
Anyway

- Martina McBride

Who I've Become

Do you ever realize something about yourself that you wish didn't exist? I have been made VERY aware of some character flaws lately. I never wanted to be the person I've become, but suddenly it's who I am! How do you change that? Will it be easier now that I recognize that I don't want to be this way?

When you see something your whole life, you begin to subconsciously believe it is acceptable. When in all reality, if you had just stopped to think you would know it is absolutely NOT the way to live! I want to apologize now to everyone for this character flaw. I am a jerk!

I have never been one to hide my feelings, and I don't want to start now, but I never intended to be such a jerk about it. I constantly find something wrong with everyone and everything. Nothing ever measures up to my expectations. This is my fault. I have never been willing to accept people for who they are. There is absolutely no need for me to put others down! I am by no means perfect!! Nothing about my life is perfect. My family life is messy, my work life is messy, my personal life is messy. When did I decide I was better than everyone?

I want to make a conscious decision from now on to be straightforward with people, but never rude! I know I will mess up. I know I will not change overnight. But if you hear me gossipping or being mean or rude, please let me know right then. I may get upset with you, but I promise I will get over it and be a better person for it! I genuinely care for people, and I need to show that.

I want to show Christ's love through me. That is something I don't know that I've ever done, or ever been able to do. That is my new goal!

What to do...What to do!

I am at a point in my life where I have decided I really need to think about the future. I need to accept where I am in my life, but be willing to change. Change is pretty difficult for me. This may not be obvious to everyone I know since I seem to change my look or where I live on a whim! I really do put a lot of thought into change. I want to constantly be the best I can be, and be where and who God wants me to be!

This is where I run into problems. I have a hard time hearing what God says. I may not be listening intently enough...I may also be ignoring Him because I don't always like what he says (such as the time I changed my major in college with one semester to go!! People still don't understand that one!).

I really need to dig into the Scriptures more and be in prayer more. There are two main things I am thinking about right now, and they are pretty major things. Please pray that I can listen to what He wants, and ignore myself!

Trust...

I am learning more every day about trust. I have a hard time trusting people, and I always have. Events in my more recent past have made it even harder. I really feel that God is trying work on that area of my life, and I am fighting back like it is nobody's business. Why am I having such a hard time trusting the only person who can truly be trusted?

God has put so many events in my life lately so that I can learn to trust. I admit, I am failing. I am making a conscious effort now to trust! It will be, and is, difficult. Another life lesson... As a kid you think you will have it all figured out when you grow up. Boy is that terrible logic!!!

Drive-In

A big group of us from church went to the drive-in on Friday night. It was sooo much fun. We watched Kung Fu Panda - Hilarious! - and Iron Man. I recommend everyone do this.

I'm posting a picture of us in all our awesomeness!!

Friends

I just want to take a minute to talk about how great all of my friends are. I have so many friends from all over the country. I would not have made it this far in my life without them. I appreciate my friends who have stuck by me with all of the drama that has gone on in my life. Especially these last few years. It means the world to me that no matter how tough things get, I know you will always be there for me to talk to or to cry with or to just sit with.

I love that we can get into HUGE arguments, we can have bad days where we treat each other like crap, we can be completely selfish at times, yet no matter what, things work themselves out. We are honest about things, and it is a mutual respect for the other persons feelings.

I know what true friendship is, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thank you for making me laugh and cry. Thank you for the good and the bad. Thank you for YOU!!

I love you all!

In other news...

I have a doctor's appointment coming up next week that I'm a bit worried about. I am requesting prayer that everything goes okay, and the test results are good.

My niece was born with a cyst in her nose, and they were going to have to do surgery. We just found out that it has burst on it's own, so no surgery for the baby!! Yay!!

My dad might be moving in with my brother in Kentucky, so that would take a lot of stress and worry out of my life. I really hope he decides to move soon!!

A Little Update

My dad started his chemo last week. He has had one full week of radiation and chemo, and he is pretty sick. I hate not being there to help. I hate questioning where I should be. I hate not knowing what is going on. I love that my dad isn't alone. My brother and his fiance are there to help him out, and that helps me out a lot!

In better news, I am working on raising the last of my money for our choir trip to NY. We are going to the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir Conference in October, so we have been doing fundraisers for about a year now to raise the money. We are currently doing a bike-a-thon that requires me to bike 20 miles a week!! I will at least be in shape when we get there.

Jodi had her baby on May 2. Keyleigh Elizabeth Melford! I am so excited to go home in August for Jordan's wedding and to see my niece for the first time. I miss my whole family!

I think that is a good update for now. I'm trying really hard to update this a little more regularly!

Update on my Dad

My dad met with the oncologist yesterday, and he will start chemo and radiation in about 2 weeks. He will have 6-8 weeks of treatment before meeting with the surgeon again. He will go in each Monday and have a chemo drip hooked up to his port that he will wear until Friday. He will get the drip removed on Fridays, so he won't have treatment on the weekends. After his surgery he will be given time to heal before he begins a 6 month round of Chemo.

We are hoping and praying for a complete healing!

I suck at keeping this updated!

A lot has happened since I last blogged. The biggest news is also the worst news!

We found out 2 weeks ago that my dad has stage 3 colon cancer. The cancer has moved through the colon into the surrounding tissue, so he is not a candidate for surgery until he goes through 5 rounds of chemo and radiation. After his treatments he will meet with the surgeon again to see if he can have the surgery. The good news is the cancer isn't in any other organs. The bad news is that what cancer he does have is advanced. We are praying for healing!

My Body Hates Me

Since I graduated from High School my body has slowly been causing me more and more problems.  I'm not really sure how much more I can take.  I just got a diagnosis a couple of weeks ago that will change the way I live the rest of my life.  Not the best thing at 26!  I am at least happy to know what is wrong, but it is one more thing for my list.

I have finally started to get my life together.  I have joined a gym, I have a workout buddy, and I am getting serious about getting healthier.  The only problem...I am always in so much pain I question whether it is worth it.  I am going to continue what I am doing for another month or two, follow up with my doctor, and decide from there.

Hopefully things become clear to me and my body starts to love me again.

Where I Am...

So I have decided to try to keep a blog. I have friends who live in so many different places (mostly because I keep moving) that I think this will be a good way to keep people updated. I am not promising that this will be updated daily, but I will do my best to keep it current.

As of right now I am living in San Diego, California. I am currently working at a church as an administrative assistant, and I also work for a beauty supply store nights and weekends.

I am at a point in my life where I am trying to decide where to go from here. I know I am not doing what I will be doing for the rest of my life, but I haven't figured out what exactly I plan on doing!

If you have any ideas/suggestions please let me know.