Since High School - warning - This is long!!

I was thinking today about how much has changed in my and my family since high school. I don't even think half of the people I went to school with know. In order to fill everyone in on the happenings with my family, I am dedicating this post to the last ten years!!

A couple of days after I graduated high school I moved from Middletown, Ohio to Marion, Indiana. My parents had moved there half way through my senior year, so I just moved in with them. I worked at K-Mart and went to community college for the first year. Nothing too exciting happened. In 2000 I started going to IWU. I enrolled in the Elementary Education program and Middle School math program. Everything was on track for me to graduate in 2003 with my bachelor's degree.

In 2002 I started to have doubts about what I really wanted to do, and was supposed to do, for the rest of my life. I began thinking and trying to figure things out. I wasn't taking the education program seriously anymore, and I just didn't care about school. I wanted to graduate, but I didn't want to be stuck with an education degree. In the spring of 2003, right before I was supposed to start student teaching I changed my major. I changed it to Business Administration & Finance. Of course nothing transferred, so I was looking at another 2 years of college! I was not happy about that, but at least I would have a degree that would get me on the right track to what I thought I wanted to do.

Then life happened. In the fall of 2003, when I was just starting my new classes, my mom decided she didn't love my dad anymore and wanted a divorce. In October my dad moved out. I was devistated! My whole world came crashing down. I tried to go on like normal, so I went on a short-term missions trip to Brazil in December 2003. When I got back though, I just couldn't handle the fact that my whole life felt like a lie. I didn't care much about school, I was drinking a lot, basically not caring about anything. My brother moved to Cincinatti to get away from the family drama. It was a good move for him. Things were hard for him to cope. By the fall of 2004 things got really out of control. My sister had become so depressed, she tried to kill herself. She was in critical care for a week, on a ventilator, and that was the last straw for me. I dropped out of school that semester. My sister wound up in rehab.

I went back to school in the spring of 2005 hoping to finish ASAP! In February we found out my sister was pregnant. Another big blow to my family. I moved out of the house so I didn't have to deal with my family anymore. My nephew was born in November 2005. My sister however, didn't clean up her act. My mom got guardianship of him, and I moved back home to take care of my nephew and help my mom. Trying to work, going to school full time, and taking care of a newborn is tough! My oldest brother moved to California that December, so I was alone with my family! In the spring of 2006 I decided my best option was to change to a General Studies major and graduate that semester. It meant I only needed one more class, so that is what I did. Two weeks before my graduation my sister got arrested. That meant that the only two people who came to my graduation were my mom and my dad, who don't even speak to each other! My grandparents couldn't come because they had to watch my nephew so my mom could come.

After graduation I had to get away. I was not going to church, drinking a lot, giving up on any big hopes or dreams I had. I decided to move to San Diego with my brother. I told him I would give it 6 months, then decide if I was going to stay. I moved out, with the help of two friends and a trailor, and arrived in San Diego 2 days later. I went to church with my brother because that was the only way I was going to meet people. That is how he knew all of his friends, and I didn't have a job. I have now lived in SD for 2 years, attend 4 church services a weekend, and even work at the church. I have goals and aspirations again. I am able to appreciate my family from afar. I love them, even with their faults, and I am learning to like them. My whole outlook on things has changed, and I am continually striving to be a better person!

I think that covers most of my life for the past 10 years. There is more to tell if you really want to hear it, but this blog is long enough for now. I hope that gives a lot of my old friends some insight into who I am now.

Anyway

You can spend your whole life building,
Something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away,
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway,
I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy
And it’s hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart,
For all the right reasons,
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway,
I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway,
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love
Anyway

- Martina McBride

Who I've Become

Do you ever realize something about yourself that you wish didn't exist? I have been made VERY aware of some character flaws lately. I never wanted to be the person I've become, but suddenly it's who I am! How do you change that? Will it be easier now that I recognize that I don't want to be this way?

When you see something your whole life, you begin to subconsciously believe it is acceptable. When in all reality, if you had just stopped to think you would know it is absolutely NOT the way to live! I want to apologize now to everyone for this character flaw. I am a jerk!

I have never been one to hide my feelings, and I don't want to start now, but I never intended to be such a jerk about it. I constantly find something wrong with everyone and everything. Nothing ever measures up to my expectations. This is my fault. I have never been willing to accept people for who they are. There is absolutely no need for me to put others down! I am by no means perfect!! Nothing about my life is perfect. My family life is messy, my work life is messy, my personal life is messy. When did I decide I was better than everyone?

I want to make a conscious decision from now on to be straightforward with people, but never rude! I know I will mess up. I know I will not change overnight. But if you hear me gossipping or being mean or rude, please let me know right then. I may get upset with you, but I promise I will get over it and be a better person for it! I genuinely care for people, and I need to show that.

I want to show Christ's love through me. That is something I don't know that I've ever done, or ever been able to do. That is my new goal!